The Story of the Boy who thought too much …
Here’s something I wrote while having wings at Betty’s … didn’t have anywhere else to put it so up it goes …
Well … as I sit here at what is my new favourite watering hole, sipping on a frothy pint … I’m given cause to reflect on things in my life. I have just concluded a four hour session at my place of employment on a Saturday morning. Doing nothing. However, I HAD to be there doing absolutely nothing. At least, that’s what my boss said, and society says I have to do what my boss tells me to do.
I’m reminded of Kevin Smiths’ Clerks suddenly, where Randall the anti-protagonist points out that title does not dictate responsibility. Or something to the effect. As I ponder this I notice that perhaps I have taken this to heart a little too easily as I notice that I am not burdened by the weight of my pager on my hip. Ooops.
There are many things going through my head at the moment. The heaviest weight which I am currently measuring is the need to have someone in my life … period. The calendar has turned another page, and it’s about to be my 31st birthday. The last birthday I had was a truly special one because of who it was spent with. Yes, there were many of my good friends there but I’d be remiss if I didn’t say that there was one special person. How fitting that my last birthday was probably the last kind act I can recall her performing for me.
Erika did mean a lot to me, and often I have to question if I miss her or miss having someone. The majority of the time spite and venom take over and I assure myself that it’s just having someone which is the missing element. If that were the case, then why I am looking back instead of looking forward?
It may be a fear of the unknown. A generous helping of self doubt doesn’t hurt either. It’s scary to be single. Of having every reaction by a member of the opposite sex measured internally for some kind of reflection on yourself. Many of my friends have assured me that I have no reason to doubt myself … that I’m enough of a ‘catch’ to go out there and get ‘em …
But for some reason I can’t …
I find myself frozen in a million different moments. A hundred different scenarios in which I play out all the possibilities of any given situation. I often chastise myself for spending too much time in my head, and not enough time out of it. Perhaps there will be a solution at the bottom of this pint.
I think I can say that just about every other aspect of my life is in the least tolerable. Now there’s something that you want to leave behind as a legacy … wouldn’t it look good as an epitaph? ‘Here lies Mike … he found life … tolerable … he’ll get back to you on how he feels about the afterlife.’
In all seriousness, most of the facets of my life have me at least content. Sure I had to spend my Saturday morning stuck in the office twiddling my thumbs, but would I have done anything differently had I been at home? Of course! I would have played Virtual Thumb Twiddler on one of my game systems!
